The Assistocrat

Officially speaking...

2008-01-31T13:42:00.000-08:00

As you can tell, I don't really update this blog anymore. I figured I've done all the damage here that I can.

Anyways, if you somehow ended up here, this is where all my new shit goes.

www.david539.vox.com

Movember - The conclusion

2007-12-13T14:51:00.000-08:00

If you remember my post on moustaches and prostate cancer, here's the follow-up. This aired on channel 5 and yes, that's me with the ugly moustache being groomed. Thank God it's gone now. But I heard they raised like a couple hundred thousand dollars. Yay!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mfhuvk93vZs

Boss > Girlfriend

2007-11-20T20:36:00.000-08:00

So as I was at the market the other day buying balloons for my boss's birthday, I came to the sad realization that a boss is almost identical to being in a relationship... But like one of those dysfunctional relationships where one person just keeps the other around because of his or her uncompromising devotion. Guess which one I am.

Think about it:

I have her phone number, address, birthday, parents' address, drivers license number, credit card information and Fedex account number memorized, and if I forget any of them, I'm in deep shit. Same situation with my last girlfriend too... well, not the Fedex thing.

I remember the exact anniversary of when I started working there... that's more for my benefit though because that's when I get a riase.

My phone runs out of text message memory every few days because of her.

If she's talking to another guy- well, other employee in general- I can't help but feel a little jealous... and then I try to secretly destroy that person without her finding out.

I'm sure there's more... I'll keep updating this one.

The [Assi]Stocratic Method

2007-11-13T10:30:00.000-08:00

So my buddy works for Paramount, and I had asked him last week if he had any interaction with the strikers. He said, "I don't know, I get there before they do, and leave after they go home."

Now that the strikers are starting at 6AM, I guess things have changed, but still, I think that one quote kind of sums up the mentality and work ethic that you need to make it out of the depths of assistantdom.

So it goes...

2007-11-12T10:07:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't noticed, the strike is affecting the little guys too. Here is probably the best blog entry I've seen on a subject that's really being overlooked right now. Big ups to all the assistants who are unwillingly out of a job yet still support the writers.

Also, the first batch of links are up in the sidebar. Other suggestions are encouraged!

Home sweet home... And site updates!!!

2007-11-12T01:53:00.000-08:00

Just got back to LA after a f-ing 3 hour delayed flight from Chicago, not to mention it's so foggy here that I missed my exit on the way home and ended up in Compton at 1:30 AM in my new car (for those of you out of towners, Compton is THE hood). But Chicago's a cool place and we went to the art museum from Ferris Buehler's Day Off.

Anyways, after my computer ran out of batteries on the plane, I was left with a lot of time to think, and my brain naturally gravitated towards this blog. Besides having to reexamine my priorities in life if this is the first thing on my mind, I was thinking that if this site ever gets big enough, I'd want to figure out a way to leave job postings in the comments, and build a community of us... for moral support... like AA.

But until then, I'll be adding a "resources" set of links on the sidebar sometime tomorrow with all the (decent) job sites I know of. And of course, feel free to contribute if I miss any. I remember in an old episode of Entourage, Lloyd mentions something about a gay assistant secret network... Well, hopefully this blog can lead to that... Gayness optional.

Off to Chi-Town

2007-11-09T09:43:00.000-08:00

So I'm off to Chicago for the weekend... I'll try and hit the blog, but depends on my schedule.

News from the front lines

2007-11-08T14:57:00.000-08:00

Support your writers!!!

Listen kids, if you're looking for a job right now, it's probably not the time. John August (who I met! more on that later...) has a great post on the subject. HOWEVER, there's that old Hollywood saying "it's who you know", and there's no better time than now to get to know a bunch of influential people with nothing to do other than walk in circles. It's daunting at first, but everyone loves the support, and if you want an easy way to meet people, volunteer to help sign them in, as most places have sign-up sheets.

Also brought doughnuts to my homies picketing at Hollywood Center Studios where I work [Santa Monica Blvd. and Las Palmas if you want to stop by]. They're kind of in Paramount's shadow since we're right down the street, but they need love too. Lots of Disney Channel writers, so there's a couple little kids picketing too. Awwww.

Saving the best for last, I met my blogging/writing hero John August!! He was at one of the Paramount gates (the sign-up guy told me where to find him), and we picketed and spoke for about 30 minutes on movies, blogging, striking, USC, the "ramen years" and all sorts of other subjects. He's this really soft-spoken guy, which surprised me since he's like an avalanche of words each day on his blog, not to mention he's written some of the most eccentric movies out there. But then again, it's about content rather than volume (decibal-wise, not quantity). I've noticed over the years that the best people I've encountered in the business do vastly more listening than talking. But he did make sure to let out a resounding "thank you!" to just about every car that honked... He also told me to prune my blog like a garden. Writers love their similies.

MOvember- Grow a moustache for prostate cancer research!

2007-11-08T11:58:00.001-08:00

So I know I'm a little late, but I just thought I should report that the month of November has officially been changed to Mo-vember in honor of the Australian slang "Mo" for moustache (check your calendars). It's intended to raise money/awareness for prostate cancer. All of my friends and myself are down for the cause... we look like the cast of Super Troopers. And yes, I have one Arabic friend who looks Mexican.

Now, in honor of Movember, I would like to countdown the top 5 most famous moustaches:

#5

Hulk Hogan- obvious choice. Hold on tight to those handlebars!!

#4

This guy named Badamsinh Juwansinh Gurjar has the Guinness world record for longest moustache. Something like 12 feet. I heard neighboring Pakistani fundimentalists were planning a terrorist attack to shave Badamsinh's moustache in his sleep. Way to go, buddy.

#3

To notorize an entire style of moustache is a pretty big feat within itself. Now, nobody can ever grow a Hitler stash, thanks for ruining it for everyone, Adolf. Yet another atrocity to mankind. He could be number one, but I bumped him back because he's so evil. I like his Zoolander pose in this picture though.

#2

Ned Flanders- Hidily Ho, neighborino's! I mean, it looks like a brown flying saucer under his nose.

And...
.
.
.
#1!!!

RON JEREMY!!!
Man, that moustache has touched more vaginas in an hour than I'll probably touch in my entire life. Congratulations, Ron, you've made the world a better place.

So men, women, and children, grow your moustaches. It's for a good cause, prostate cancer goes undiagnosed 60% of the time. And of course there's no such thing as a selfless act, so at first I was also secretly hoping for hot girls to think I'm sensitive or something. Then I realized that having an ugly growth on my upper lip and talking about men's assholes isn't the best way to get some.

www.movember.com

The UTA List

2007-11-08T11:13:00.000-08:00

I have it! I get it about a week or two later than everybody else, but I do in fact have it. Honestly, I think it's a waste of time if you get it late, but I suppose it's a moral victory, and John August digs it so leave a comment and I can email you the password.

About this blog - Just like The Jeffersons, baby

2007-11-08T10:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I just wanted to explain what's the deal with my blog. I know everyone and their mother has one, but hopefully I wanted to make mine useful to some people. I'm right out of college and working as an AP on a TV show (it's a reality show, so don't be jealous). There are more "industry" blogs out there than I can count, and they fall into one of two categories:

1. Said author *thinks* he/she knows EVERYTHING about what's going on in the entertainment world, and must contribute his conceited opinion about why he's right and why the studios/media/republicans/[fill in the blank] are wrong.

2. Author does, in fact, know what they're talking about, but they're already big shots. They have tons of good advice, but are already wildly successful, and therefore haven't needed to utilize the internet as a career building tool- networking, job searches, etc.

Now for what I want to do:
This isnt going to be the literary powerhouse of John August, Craig Mazin, or any other "category 2" bloggers, but instead, I wanted to offer advice to people in my situation... at the assistant/mailroom/corporate bitch level. Here's the dilemma, I don't really have much advice, and I don't claim to know anything, but I AM living through the process of being fucked by the long dick of the media, and so I think sharing my experiences as they come could prove helpful... and sometimes funny. I wanted to make this blog 100% about the industry, but it'd drive me crazy so it'll probably be like half relevent and half me peeing on myself .

Anyways, I've done the mailroom, I've answered phones, I've read scripts, I've done basically every bitch job out there, and you know what? You will too. But hopefully this blog will help minimize your time in each of those places before you start movin' on up.

First post

2007-11-08T00:49:00.000-08:00

Okay, so as a first post, I really wanted to chose something that would really give you, the reader, a sense of who I am:

I just got back home a few hours ago from a screening of "The Foot Fist Way" (opens early next year, easily one of the funniest movies I've seen in a looooong time), and I go to take a piss, but I was kinda messed up and not paying attention and pissed on the floor of my bathroom. A little while later, I had to take a piss again, and sure enough, I stepped in my own piss. With socks on. And I'm still wearing them as I type this.

More posts soon, enjoy!